It’s been one week since I started this little poetry blog, and it dawned on me this morning that I’m yet to properly introduce myself. Let’s start with a confession… Jann Doe isn’t my ‘real’ name (clearly). Let’s move forward to another confession… I’m hiding behind this pen name because my poetry reveals a side of me that I’d rather my friends and family didn’t see. Okay, okay, let’s just keep the honesty a rollin’… I had a troublesome childhood and youth in many ways, and yes, I AM considering my early twenties to be a part of my youth. If that’s not youth, then I don’t know what is! Last confession (for today)… An affair that I had over a decade ago recently came back to bite me on the ass.
Let me explain: This man and I were close for many years before we ever fooled around. I broke it off, broke up with my then boyfriend and moved on with my life. This man wound up marrying the woman he’d cheated on. Over ten years later, he told her all about me, as well as the other women he’d been with before they wed. I wound up saying some very regretful things to him later on that week, and he commited suicide.
He done it with his wife and two young boys in the home, it was devastating for so many people, as suicide always is. She is left to sort through his mess, and raise their children on her own. His sons are left, fatherless, and will live their entire lives wondering why he didn’t choose to stick around to see them grow and have families of their own. He chose death over a life with them.
I am left with the weight of his death on my shoulders, as the only one who knew about his confession, and as the one who gave him a push. I clearly can’t take responsibility, as I didn’t expect him to do THAT, nor did I encourage it. Quite the opposite, actually. I told him not to wade through a life of lies, picking and choosing what he hurts who with. I told him to be a man and to face his issues the right way…. I guess he couldn’t do that. It wasn’t my place to say those things to him, I had no right. The guilt and regret of it all has been hard to cope with. Being the writer that I am, I turned to poetry as a way to spew out my tangled up web of emotions.
After a couple months of pouring myself into a poetry document, I decided that there are so many people out there suffering with similar issues. I want my words to help others, and to be there for others to understand and relate to. Many suicidal people live a double life, and what becomes of their second side? The people who carry the burden of their deaths without the luxury of closure? The girlfriends/boyfriends who are also lied to, and unable to attend funerals and grieve proper? The kids whose existence are hidden from their parent’s ‘real’ families? The people who can’t speak out, as they are marked as the jezabels and the whores, when in reality they’ve been manipulated and played just as badly as the families who are worn on the sleeves of the dead?
I’ll be publishing this collection of poetry in July, it’s called EVERY LOVE. It shares all of my experiences in Love. I’ll be sharing daily emotions here, on the I AM JANN DOE blog (As I may be faceless, but I’m more than just another Jane Doe!) I’ll also be making graphics for each of my blog poems so that my experience can be easily shared. If my words can help even one person, then I’ll consider the entire effort of pouring out everything that I am, worth it.
Love can be wholesome,
Healthy and pure.
It can also be deadly,
Of this I am sure.
I’ve experienced many,
I’ve opened my door.
Of all the love that I’ve held
There’s one thing I know,
Ain’t no one has loved
Quite like me… Jann Doe.